So instead of feeling sorry for yourself, realize that your life, just like a developing child’s, has phases–and now you’re in the mommy phase. -Laura Schlessinger
“How are you doing?”. This is the question I am most frequently asked nowadays. To most, I barely search myself for an answer. “I’m good, we’re good” is what I always blurt out instantly. I’m sure it’s partly because I’m a prideful person and I don’t want to hint at any weakness. I want to wear the badge of motherhood proudly and cleanly, without a rip or a stain on my Team Mom uniform. But I can’t deny that a big part of me is answering honestly when I say that we are good…because we are. Finley is a wonderful baby. He sleeps well, feeds well, poops well… does all the baby things he should be doing. Whenever I share specifics about his schedule and habits, most other moms agree that he is an “easy baby”. So I feel honest in answering with confidence and strength that we are doing well.
But he’s still a baby. I’m still a new mom. We still have our moments.
One of the hardest things for me has been the loss of my own personal time and schedule. I have spent more time at home and in our apartment than I ever have before, by far, and it can be draining. Some days I don’t get up until 9 or 10am when Finley gets up. I might not get around to dressing and brushing my teeth until hours after that. I can’t do what I want, when I want. Running errands or going places are now weighty tasks that combine balancing a car seat, diaper bag, car keys, wallet, cell phone, etc. not to mention groceries, checkbook, or whatever else I’m trying to accomplish. I can’t just grab my bag and head to the car, roll my windows down and go, anymore. I’ve got my little one and he needs me.
There have been a couple of afternoons where I’ve lost it and broken down. I’ve cried along with Fin because we couldn’t figure out what to do or what was wrong and crying seemed to be the only thing that we were capable of at that moment.
But those moments are very few and far between. I’m figuring out this new part of my identity, and realizing that while being a mom can be a lot to handle at times, it makes me so much more complete than I ever thought I was before.
Another thing that has helped me feel wonderful is getting back to work this week! I didn’t realize how much my photography work and business matters to me until I had some time away from it, but it is amazing to be back shooting again, working on images, and interacting with clients. I was writing an email to a client the other day, confirming with her that I got a payment and thanking her for being a part in allowing me to do photography as a career and I almost broke down realizing how blessed I am for two big reasons. I feel so thankful that I have found my passion, and am pursing it as my career… and I’m also so privileged that it gives me the flexibility and opportunity to stay at home with Finley. I hope those of you clients who follow my blog (and potential future clients!) know how much it means that you grant me the opportunity to make art for you, but also support me financially so that I can stay home with my babe.
Anyways, I guess this post is a little scattered but I had some thoughts I needed to get out there : ) I’ll be back with another short post tomorrow before we take off on a week long vacation to Maine! I should probably start packing.